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What is this, 1990?

19 Apr

Do you ever have those moments when someone says, “Yeah, it was like 10 years ago” and you think they mean the 90’s, when really they are referring to 2002?

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

I received the following at my parents’ house last week.

At this point, you’re probably saying, “BFD. Someone mailed you a letter. You’re just soooooooo  popular.”

But this is not an ordinary letter. It is a gramatically incorrect, poorly punctuated, neatly typed, blast-from-the-past, super creepy LOVE LETTER.

Don’t believe me? I’ve gleefully accurately transcribed it below. Names have been changed to protect the…innocent.

RXXX,

Hey how are things going? I came across your address on something a little bit back and thought I’d write you and say hi. Well right after that I was out for a jog and was hit by a F150 Pick-up truck. Broke 10 ribs puntured lung few other things, Nothing really physically noticeable, incredibly lucky for getting struck at what the driver said he was going 50MPH and threw me into a tree. Going back to work today for a couple weeks then surgery on my ribs.

Anyways, how have things been? What are you doing these days? I’m still doing the police ting and own a few houses. Starting a new business I think soon. Think I’m going to build a house soon, Have a lot of plans for it just have to find the location I want it.

What is new with you? I think the last time I saw you was at Nathanial’s the summer you were working at red wings stadium. You still living in NYS. Sent this to your parents hoping they could forward it to you. How is your family? Lol I remember being over your house after class a couple times and your dad came home and I was all intimidated lol. We were young then eh?

Well Anyway If you want you should get a hold of me, still have the same #…585-XXX-XXX. Maybe we can meet up for a bit or something and catch up. Hope everything is well, and Happy Easter. : )

Okay, I know what you are all thinking. Give this guy a break, he’s just trying to be nice, etc etc.

But let’s be reasonable.

First, a letter to my parents’ house? A letter? What is this, 1990? And ten years later? There are MANY MANY ways to find my contact info…LIKE GOOGLE. Or LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter…the list goes on.

And the fact that he still has my address memorized is just…creepy.

Second, can we discuss the punctuation? And grammar? I work in communications for a living. Good grammar is like breakfast cereal to me. I’d just like to say, the capitals after the commas…SO CONFUSED. And no question mark after the question about living in NYS is just…wrong.

Third, the phrase “LOL” should never be used outside of text message. And the “eh?” I’m all for celebrating my Canadian heritage, but wtf. And he was hit by a pickup truck??? And owns a “few” houses? Are you sh*tting me life?

Don’t even get me started on the ones who say they plan to “start a new business.” UGH times TEN.

AND BEFORE YOU CALL ME JUDGY MCJUDGERSON…which I might be…I’D LIKE TO POINT OUT THE STAMP.

What grown man has a stash of “Love” stamps just hanging around the house? Flag stamps, Liberty Bell stamps, even leftover Christmas or a wedding stamp would have been better. But a “LOVE” stamp? I’m pretty sure this stamp was…intentional. And therefore creepy. VOMS.

Overall, the only redeeming facet of the letter is its choice of font. A sans serif. Thank goodness for the little things in life.

A for effort. And A+ for creep factor.

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9 Responses to “What is this, 1990?”

  1. loftyappetite April 19, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    haha i love it! so funny. Is this a high school bf? It sounds like a child wrote it, starting every sentence with “well, anyway”, and yes the “lols” are even worse. The fact that he mailed a letter that was typed (vs hand written) is odd! He should have copy/pasted it into a FB message at least! You should respond via facebook. Starting off with the pickup truck story is strange too. Throw it in at the end and say that” seeing my life flash before my eyes made me realize i missed you and wanted to get into contact. And not just awkwardly throw it in there. But it has nice intentions… are you planning on responding or just ignoring?

    • cakerypapery April 19, 2012 at 11:47 am #

      I know! Not a high school bf, just someone I went on a few (emphasis on few!) dates with! Apparently I made quite an impression.

      I think I’m just going to let sleeping dogs lie on this one…

  2. Aunty Rose April 19, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    Come on give the poor guy a break. XY’s aren’t that great with communicating as it is; alpha males that become cops even less. Don’t you read the NYTimes wedding section? Every story follows the narrative of misunderstandings, separation, and finally the conclusion that you can’t live without eachother. I don’t think you should contact him but just be flattered he was man enough to reach out.

    • cakerypapery April 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

      Flattered, yes. But definitely no plans to pick out my china pattern just yet…

  3. hokiemom April 23, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    You should 10-10-10 this one

    • cakerypapery April 23, 2012 at 11:07 am #

      LOL! Not sure if that’s what Suzy Welch had in mind!

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