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If Snooki Married Bill Gates: Meet the Brogammers

9 May

Jersey Shore has invaded the last nerd standing: computer programmers.

Yo, brogrammer, two heinekens.

And while I haven’t seen any monitor tans combined with my new haircuts just yet—emphasis on the yet—I have serious concerns. About brogammers.

What exactly is a brogammer? Well, according to Urban Dictionary, a brogammer is:

A programmer who breaks the usual expectations of quiet nerdiness and opts instead for the usual trappings of a frat-boy: popped collars, bad beer, and calling everybody “bro.” Despised by everyone, especially other programmers.

Sweet Jesus, it sounds like we’re at a UVA football game.

And let’s pause while I point out the last line. DESPISED BY EVERYONE.

Brogammers are programmers’ worst enemy. Brogammers sleep with the prom queen and make FORTRAN sexy. I suspect they wear their sunglasses at night and use pick-up lines that reference the Commodore 64.

They sound terrible.

So what’s wrong with a little diversity in the programming field you say? Is it  that I am offended by job postings that say things like “want to bro down and crush some code” or mention that there is a “friendly female staff”?

No, it’s not that. And it’s not instructions on how to become a brogammer either. Or the “are you a brogammer” quiz. Or the fact that you can follow a fictional brogammer on Twitter, @brogammer.

IT’S THAT IT’S FREAKING COMPUTER PROGRAMMING. Computer programming is a sacred space reserved for quiet, nerdy types. Quiet, nerdy types who are hot because they are quiet and nerdy.

Given that I went to college and graduate school for math (yes, even Elle Woods types can do math), I knew a lot of geeky, nerdy kids. And I knew a lot of HOT, GEEKY, NERDY KIDS. The “no game” game? Gets the girl every time. Even me.

Computer programmers don’t need popped collars (vom) and Natty Light (vom plus a bad hangover) to be cool and hip. And no one refers to it as “computer programming” anymore. It’s not like we are back in 1990 and Al Gore is inventing the internet. Programmers already have sexy job titles, like digital art director and web developer and digital designer

And the guy who claims he scored his first job by talking about a calendar of “nudie pics” he made of his college girlfriends? You’re not a brogammer, YOU’RE JUST A TOOL.

So stay away brogammers. Or go work someplace where real programmers can’t be found. Like Microsoft.

Just leave my nerdy programming types alone.

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