Friday Find: Catfish

So…I might have developed a slight fascination with the MTV show Catfish…

Why? Because there’s nothing better to do during your birthday weekend than watch trashy reality tv…

Oh, and I might have definitely downloaded the original Catfish documentary and watched it too…DON’T JUDGE.

So. What exactly is a “catfish”?

Well, according to the original documentary, catfish used to be packed into shipping containers with other live fish to help keep the live fish alive during shipping. As one man in the Catfish movie said, he’s grateful for the catfish in life because it would be dull and boring without a fish nipping at your toes.

So a “catfish” is a person who keeps you on your toes.

OR NOT.

A catfish is a person who pretends to be someone else online, usually for the purpose of entering into an online romantic relationship. Like, say, what happened to Manti Te’O.

(And seriously, MTV could not have planned the premiere of Catfish and the leaking of the Te’O story any better unless they had actually planned it themselves.)

So what fascinates me about Catfish?

• Some of these people are in year-long relationships with people they have never ever laid eyes on in real life before…like, ever. I mean, I suppose its the modern day equivalent of being pen pals with someone…but lets be real. “I don’t have Skype” just doesn’t cut it anymore.
• It’s not like this is the age of AOL. Do a Google search image search people! Or just a basic Google search. Ask my mother—she’ll tell you it’s the first thing you do when you (or in her case her daughter) starts dating someone. Are the people getting scammed really this naive and they don’t google? Or, am I just always thinking the worst?
• That there are actually people who are crazy enough to catfish someone. Every time I watch the show, and the person on it has something insane like 32 fake online profiles, all I think is, “do people like this really exist?” Catfishing someone is just so…wrong.

The people who get scammed on the show are so…likeable and endearing and I always really want it to work out for them…but then I think to bullets 1&2 above and I’m like “get smart people!”…and you know the bad ending is always coming but you can’t stop watching.

Guilty pleasure? Yes.

Fascinating? Completely.

The first season of Catfish has ended, but you can watch all the episodes online…perfect for a Catfish marathon.

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A Great Date.

Its come to my attention that I tend to rant (and never rave) about dating.

And before anyone gets confused and thinks I’m just super high-maintenance and impossible to please…I’d like to present evidence from what I consider a really good date, circa summer 2012.

Cheerwine cherry soda. Some ginger ale. Mini mason jars full of booze, and two cups.

Add in a hike up to the top of Cobbs Hill to sit at the reservoir, a chance to look at the city, have great conversation, and stare at the stars. I’m putting a mark in the “win” column.

And it didn’t even involve parking.

Watch Out for the Nice Guys Part 2

It’s the nice guys that get you, EVERY TIME. They start out all nice and normal and romantic, and then you wake up one day and they do something super classy like call it off over text message.

The latest?

He is on to what’s “next!” because I didn’t offer to pay for parking.

(No, you are not hallucinating.)

Oh, and I found out via his FB status update. So while I’m asleep dreaming of the next date, he’s posting the “she didn’t even fake offer to pay for parking, next!” to FB, knowing that I’ll likely see it the next morning.

Almost as good as the time I was broken up with via FB relationship-status change…NOT JOKING HERE EITHER.

PARKING. IT WAS THE SECOND DATE. Are you sh*tting me, life?

I have several thoughts.

1. Do you want the girl that pays for parking, or the girl you have a really awesome connection with and can’t stop thinking about? I like to think it’s the second, especially since you talked about how awesome it is that I’m career driven, I volunteer all over the city, and I look great in a mini skirt. Oh, and there were the multiple ‘thinking about you,’ ‘can’t wait to see you,’ ‘daydreaming about you’ text messages I received.
2. I offered to pick up the rest of dinner, which, btw, you paid for with A GIFT CARD. And, when you refused, I acknowledged that you had paid the first and second date. Which, if you remember from the multiple cupcakes and brownies and beers I had brought to your house in the past because we actually never went on a date, just watched movies, was probably a sign that I was going to do something nice for you in return. Now, I know the remaining $5 on the dinner bill plus tip isn’t the same as the $7.50 that parking cost, but if you’re looking for the arbitrary “fake attempt” to pay, pretty sure it happened.
3. Also, you DO NOT purposefully play the obscure band that we both like on the ride home from dinner, give me an amazing kiss goodnight, and tell me you will see me again soon if you are planning to post about parking on FB. THIS IS NOT OKAY.
4. Are you really willing to write me off so quickly without even allowing me the opportunity to do something nice for you in return? Sorry for draining your bank account over the course of two dates. So while you’re bemoaning the two dates we went on which you claimed were amazing, I’ll be doing something really amazing for someone who will actually appreciate it.
5. It was the second date. I’m generally on my best behavior (which, apparently, doesn’t include paying for parking) on the second date because I’d like to go on a third one. SECOND. DATE. As my y-chromosome enabled friends have informed me, dates 1 through 5 are supposed to be amazing so I want to keep dating you. They also think paying for parking is a “man” thing and that I just dodged a bullet.

Oh, and btw buddy, you just posted on your FB wall about how cheap you are, so good luck the next time you try dating.

Dear 2012…

To say you were, well, disappointing, would be an understatement.

2012 blew goats.

More specifically, I’ll say my 2012 dating life blew goats.

We started the year off with the “you overwhelm me” guy.

We went to dinner with Mr. Wrong…more than once…shame rattle.

And I was a bit of a good luck charm. Which culminated in my college bf getting married and my dad telling me I “missed the boat.” Bridget Jones much?

I received THIS in the mail. And THIS over email.

Even the NYT got in on the action. (Don’t worry, I haven’t yet turned into a pantless alcoholic…YET.)

We laughed a bit with the “I’m trying to have a creepy airport hookup in the sky lounge” guy.

And I was righteously angry at the “I’m ending it over text message less than 24 hours after telling you I really like you” guy.

Oh, and 2012 closed itself with a bang with the “you didn’t fake offer to pay for parking” guy. (Stay tuned, details to follow.)

2012 was a Bridget Jones meets a Taylor Swift song.

But I have high hopes for 2013. So I’m making some relationship resolutions.

1. Develop a dating bill of rights. Every girl should have one. It’s the list of non-negotiables in a relationship. For me? It starts of with I deserve a phone call and not a text message, and that yes, titles do matter no matter how much you tell yourself they don’t. No grey areas. I’m also going to add that I need someone who supports my job, has a life outside of me, and likes my family (or at least is really good at faking it.)
2. Read the writing on the wall. If you think things aren’t working, they probably aren’t. So walk away. It takes a lot of walk away, because you keep thinking that the other person will change or things will get better or it will be different in the new year. I’ve stayed in relationships for too long (and probably too many tear-filled phone calls to girlfriends) because I wasn’t willing to admit that I wasn’t happy and things weren’t working out. So read it, believe it, and act on it.
3. Keep taking chances. It’s a rough world out there, and it takes a lot to keep putting yourself out there. Some days it will feel like you are feeding yourself to the wolves. But keep doing it. I haven’t found the right person yet, but I’ve learned a lot about what I like and what I don’t like, and about what goes on the dating bill of rights. So keep taking chances.
4. Don’t recycle. If it didn’t work out the first time, there was probably a good reason. Don’t recycle relationships. It’s bad news bears.

So good riddance to bad rubbish 2012, and get ready 2013, because it’s time to rock on.

Watch out for the Nice Guys.

Watch out for the nice guys.

It’s advice that your mom/best friend/sister/therapist/Bridget Jones probably never told you.

But I’m letting you know.

BEWARE of the nice guy.

The nice guy is easy to fall for. He makes dinner reservations. He waits until you get inside the house before leaving. He asks about your day and is legitimately interested in hearing about it. He pulls out your chair, buys you flowers, and has a glass of wine waiting for you when you arrive. And not a glass of wine in the “I am making decisions for you and am trying to control you” way, but in the “I’m being thoughtful” way.

The moment you find yourself thinking, “this is really nice” and “wow, I need to go to finishing school so I know what to do when he pulls the chair out next time” remind yourself of this: The nice guy is easy to fall for. I need to watch out.

That way, when the nice guy calls it off with you over text message less than 48 hours after doing something amazingly sweet and less than 24 hours after telling you how much he likes you, you won’t be surprised.

I’M WARNING YOU. Watch out.

Also? “Hi!” is not an appropriate greeting for a let’s just quit while we are ahead text message.

An exclamation point? Are you sh*tting me life? Didn’t realize you were THAT excited to be extracting yourself from my life.

Beware. Of. The. Nice. Guy.

(I won’t even get started on the fact that I DESERVE A FREAKING PHONE CALL and that text message is only an appropriate form of communication if you are under the age of 14.)

At least when you fall for the d-bag, you know he’s going to consistently be douche-y. He’ll cancel plans (if he even bothers to make them in the first place), he’ll only call you after midnight (and nothing good happens after midnight), and he’ll probably tell you that he ‘forgot his credit card’ as soon as you show up to the bar (but do you mind spotting him? Just this once?). He won’t commit and he will forget your birthday. But he will manage to keep giving you just those few amazing moments every so often that you are always thinking “it’s going to be different” and “he’ll change.”

Like I said. Consistent.

Be careful out there ladies. Don’t let yourself fall for a Mr. Wrong. Keep your heart and your eyes open. WIDE OPEN.

And watch out for the nice guys.

Last Day! Snail Mail my Email

Fact: I love paper.

I love sending paper. And I love, love, love receiving paper. Getting the mail is one of my top ten favorite things to do. So much that I actually dislike days that the mail doesn’t come.

Like Sundays. And who dislikes Sundays? It’s like disliking Christmas. Blasphemy, folks.

Back to paper.

Today is the last day of ‘Snail Mail my Email,’ which is pretty much one of the coolest things ever. And it’s free.

The idea? Send an email (100 words or less) to snailmailmyemail2@gmail.com, along with the recipient’s physical address.

They’ll handwrite your note, make it all artistic, and send it in the mail for you. You can even select custom options for the note, like doodles or perfume sprays or lipstick kisses.

(Although the idea of some stranger kissing a note with lipstick that is then sent to one of my friends is sort of…creepy. Not to mention the germ contamination…sad side effect of paper mail.)

Did I mention that it’s free?

How did this all start? The project was started in 2011, with the goal of rebuilding personal connections in our digital world — and more than 10,000 letters were illustrated and mailed to over 70 countries. You can see many of these in the Snail Mail book.

So get writing!

This isn’t a ‘Dear John’ letter.

It’s a Dear Dan letter.

And it goes something like this.

Dear Dan,

Thank you for making me feel like Eva Mendes. She’s well, you know, sort of my girl crush.

Have you seen Hitch? Do you remember the scene in the bar, with the bad apple martini? It’s THAT Eva Mendes. So thank you, because I love Eva Mendes.

There I was, sitting in the airport, peacefully reading my book. And you came over. You ignored my headphones, my obvious interest in my book, and the ‘f*ck off’ sign I had above my head. You had, as you say, been ‘staring at me for thirty minutes’ (because that’s not creepy at all) and just ‘had to come say hi.’

I admire your persistence Dan. After I turned down your offer of a drink (three times), even though the bar was only a stone’s throw away and we had hours until the flight left, you just kept talking.

You told me how you live with your mother. At age 27. And how you have a tiny yippie frou-frou dog. And how you had never done this before, but those three glasses of white zinfandel really just gave you courage. And how this “just wasn’t awkward at all!”

Seriously? You had me at ‘living at home.’ 

And even after I told you I was seeing someone (huge dude, tons of muscles, in the mob, etc.), you just kept talking. You offered me more wine. You asked me to share things about myself (I declined) and you overshared about yourself (gag). You asked me to meet up in Texas. I told you that I watch Criminal Minds and no, no thank you.

You just wouldn’t take a hint. I was really enjoying my book Dan. 

Even when I blatantly did not close my iPad, did not fully remove my headphones, and openly texted my sister to emergency-911-avoid-the-crazies call me, you were still there. Talking.

So thank you, for the compliment of coming over. Truly, thank you.

But the next time you’ve had three glasses of wine and think its a good idea to talk to the girl reading a book with her headphones in sitting a few seats away in the airport lounge?

Yeah…keep that idea to yourself. Because I didn’t have Will Smith hovering nearby to save me.

Sincerely and xo,

cakerypapery

No, REALLY, you be the bigger person.

My least favorite line people drop in arguments is the “I’ll just be the bigger person” line, or some variation of this.

I’ll be the bigger person this time.

Don’t worry, I’ll just deal with it.

I’ll take the high road.

Any of these sound familiar?

BREAKING NEWS. Saying “I’ll be the bigger person here” does not, in fact, make you the bigger person. And when you do say it out loud, you automatically have stopped “being the bigger person.”

You want to know why? If you really are going to be the bigger person, YOU DON’T NEED TO SAY SO. You just do it. Because when you do say it out loud, it just sounds immature and condescending.

And hearing any variation of this immediately puts me (and the rest of the world) on the defensive. Because if you’re the one taking the high road, what does that leave me, the low road?

“I’ll be the bigger person” has friends too. Their names are “You should know what you did ” and “I’M FINE, NOTHING IS WRONG.”

Which makes one tripod that I have no desire to make into a quadrapod.

So, no, REALLY, go ahead, you be the bigger person.

Five True Things I Learned From Mom

No matter how old I get, I will always believe that my mom has an answer for any question/situation/problem I encounter. Like what temperature you cook baked potatoes at. Or how you even make a baked potato..yeah, never can seem to get that one right.

There are a million things my mom has taught me—but these are my top five.

1. Relationships are a two-way street. The emotion and the effort to make it successful has to go both ways. No one person is ever totally right or totally wrong, and a lot of times the term “compromise” means suck it up and deal. You will have times when you want the street to go both ways but you can’t force it to. And when you find yourself on the one-way street of a toxic relationship, just take the next right turn out of it.
2. If you’re asking yourself “is this too short?” the answer is YES. You have to trust yourself enough to follow your instincts. They won’t steer you wrong. You already know the answer to most of the questions you have in your mind, but you might not like what the answers are. Trust yourself. It’s the getting in front of the mirror and looking at the outfit from a few different angles that will help you see what you already know—that dress is too short.
3. You will not be adored by every person you meet, and that is okay. Because you are not going to like everyone either. You can spend a lot of time and energy trying to make everyone like you, or you can spend that time and energy figuring out how to love the person you already are. It’s better to be an imperfect version of yourself than a perfect version of somebody else.
4. If you’re trapped in an outfit, just cross your arms and pull the dress off from the bottom up. There’s a solution for every situation and every problem. You might not see it at first, as you’re hyperventilating and sweating and imagining having to buy the dress because you can’t get out of it. But once you take a deep breath and take a few minutes to calm down, you’ll see that the solution was there all along. Go back to what you know, where you’ve been, and how you’ve gotten through. You’ll get out of the dress…eventually.
5. Don’t eat ice cream flavors that you don’t like. There is a reason my mom keeps five different flavors of Italian Ice in her freezer. Life is too short to do something that you are not totally energized and excited about. Find your passions, and go for them. If its not worth putting 100% of your heart into it, just take yourself out of it. I eat watermelon (duh, it’s pink). Find what your flavor is.

Happy Mother’s Day. Love you Mom. ❤

What is this, 1990?

Do you ever have those moments when someone says, “Yeah, it was like 10 years ago” and you think they mean the 90’s, when really they are referring to 2002?

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

I received the following at my parents’ house last week.

At this point, you’re probably saying, “BFD. Someone mailed you a letter. You’re just soooooooo  popular.”

But this is not an ordinary letter. It is a gramatically incorrect, poorly punctuated, neatly typed, blast-from-the-past, super creepy LOVE LETTER.

Don’t believe me? I’ve gleefully accurately transcribed it below. Names have been changed to protect the…innocent.

RXXX,

Hey how are things going? I came across your address on something a little bit back and thought I’d write you and say hi. Well right after that I was out for a jog and was hit by a F150 Pick-up truck. Broke 10 ribs puntured lung few other things, Nothing really physically noticeable, incredibly lucky for getting struck at what the driver said he was going 50MPH and threw me into a tree. Going back to work today for a couple weeks then surgery on my ribs.

Anyways, how have things been? What are you doing these days? I’m still doing the police ting and own a few houses. Starting a new business I think soon. Think I’m going to build a house soon, Have a lot of plans for it just have to find the location I want it.

What is new with you? I think the last time I saw you was at Nathanial’s the summer you were working at red wings stadium. You still living in NYS. Sent this to your parents hoping they could forward it to you. How is your family? Lol I remember being over your house after class a couple times and your dad came home and I was all intimidated lol. We were young then eh?

Well Anyway If you want you should get a hold of me, still have the same #…585-XXX-XXX. Maybe we can meet up for a bit or something and catch up. Hope everything is well, and Happy Easter. : )

Okay, I know what you are all thinking. Give this guy a break, he’s just trying to be nice, etc etc.

But let’s be reasonable.

First, a letter to my parents’ house? A letter? What is this, 1990? And ten years later? There are MANY MANY ways to find my contact info…LIKE GOOGLE. Or LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter…the list goes on.

And the fact that he still has my address memorized is just…creepy.

Second, can we discuss the punctuation? And grammar? I work in communications for a living. Good grammar is like breakfast cereal to me. I’d just like to say, the capitals after the commas…SO CONFUSED. And no question mark after the question about living in NYS is just…wrong.

Third, the phrase “LOL” should never be used outside of text message. And the “eh?” I’m all for celebrating my Canadian heritage, but wtf. And he was hit by a pickup truck??? And owns a “few” houses? Are you sh*tting me life?

Don’t even get me started on the ones who say they plan to “start a new business.” UGH times TEN.

AND BEFORE YOU CALL ME JUDGY MCJUDGERSON…which I might be…I’D LIKE TO POINT OUT THE STAMP.

What grown man has a stash of “Love” stamps just hanging around the house? Flag stamps, Liberty Bell stamps, even leftover Christmas or a wedding stamp would have been better. But a “LOVE” stamp? I’m pretty sure this stamp was…intentional. And therefore creepy. VOMS.

Overall, the only redeeming facet of the letter is its choice of font. A sans serif. Thank goodness for the little things in life.

A for effort. And A+ for creep factor.